I'm about as exhausted as anyone can be.  I don't have the strength for all the details, but I'll "sum up."  Tiffany showed up again last night, completely defiant and not at all remorseful.  I told her that her puppy had found a new home because she left him alone and was not taking care of him.  She called the police to report me for theft (sheesh).  Of course, the officer told her that I'm her mother and have the right to consequence her as I see fit.  Before he arrived, she hit me across the chest.  He didn't see that so he couldn't arrest her.  I called her therapist who told the officer that she needed to be taken to the hospital.  He didn't want to do that because "I'm not seeing anything dangerous in her."  OH MY GOD THE RIDICULOUS SYSTEM WE HAVE.  She raged and yelled, told him she didn't need medication and that she "lost it."  So at least that confirmed what I believed all along - that she was off  her medication.  The MH supporter called and talked to the officer again and told him that yes, he can take her to the hospital because her therapist is recommending hospitalization and it would be dangerous for her mother to try to take her because she'd probably jump out of the car, run away, assault her mom, pick one.   He finally said he would take her if she agreed.  I told him he needed to say, "You either need to ride with me or your mom because your therapist wants you to talk to someone."  Otherwise I knew she would refuse if he said something like, "You have to go in the hospital and your mom is going to take you."  After sitting at the assessment center until 2:30 AM, they finally agreed that she needed to be committed.  At 3:30, while waiting for a bed to open up at Holly Hill, I went to the back to see her.  She was still crying and raging about the "f-ing doctor."  She let me hug her, but quickly became angry when she wanted me to "talk them out of it."  I told them it wouldn't matter if I did, but that I wouldn't do that because she needed help.  After 30 minutes, I gave up and left.  I had to take Joshua to work at 8:30 so I only slept a couple of hours.  I guess this is going to be my life for awhile....

Oh, and to top it all off, my ex-husband decided to see what livejournal was all about.  He read all my entries, then picked yesterday to take terminal offense at the journal entry about the time he used my credit card for gambling when I was under the influence of Ambien.  I told him to f*^K off.  I sure as hell don't need his bullspit right now.  Joshua also had a meltdown this morning. I didn't need that either, but he apologized and if anyone deserves a little venting, he does.  He has patiently sat by and watched me go through hell with Tiffany and hasn't said a thing to her.  That has to be hard.

But for god's sake, I really just need a break, you know? 

Tiffany came home yesterday, but unfortunately left again.  Literally within 5 minutes of my going to get her, she was belligerent and demanding.  No apology, no reasoning, just ....  well, a bi-polar, damaged teenager.  Took her to the therapist.  Tried tough love.  Her birth brother called yesterday because she had called him.  He told me that nothing worked for him until his grandmother finally said, "I wash my hands of you."  He thinks this is the only way she will learn as well.  He made me feel good because he said, "I told her she was crazy.  I wish Ms. Tracey could have adopted me and here you are throwing it all away." She left in the night without the puppy this time.  The police have said there's no point in searching now because she just doesn't want to cooperate.  Thanks for caring.  Please pray to the deity of your choice for her safety, until she wakes up and realizes that a loving family is better than the streets.  I believe in prayer.  And I believe in hopeful thoughts and good karma.  I believe in God, because He kept me safe when I had no one to care about me.  He sent me many friends and all of you.  I will not be hopeless.  Thank you all again for your support and encouragement.  Let us pray.

Tiffany called and talked to the Detective last night.  She was clearly already second-guessing this situation.  She called me this morning and she is willing to let me come and get her.  She still doesn't want to live at home, but I told her that we could sit down with her therapist and her mental health support caseworker and see what alternatives there are to get her in a place where she is safe, but feels more independent.

YIPPEE!!  I know it's not over yet, but at least I know she's OK and (at least for now) she's being more reasonable.  Pray for my wisdom and strength as we try to plan appropriately for Tiffany's future.

THANK YOU WILL NEVER EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME IN THIS!!  I have made so many new friends, virtually overnight, and my faith in humanity has grown by leaps and bounds.  PLEASE if ever I can return the good you have done me, don't hesitate to ask.

Tiffany called briefly last night.  All she would say is "I'm not coming home.  I can be myself here."  She said she was with "a 20-year-old I met on myspace."  The fact that she stated his age leads me to believe he's probably much older than that.  How sad that she sees herself in such a way that she can't "be herself" in a family that loves her, with safe boundaries, a beautiful girl's bedroom, nice things, security, affection - and all that we've tried to give her.  I wish she could see herself like I do. 

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE CROSS-POSTED THIS!  Your amazing efforts have gotten Tiffany's information LITERALLY all over the US, into Germany and Japan - and even one of the members of Fall Out Boy!  You guys ROCK - and your love and prayers are what are keeping me from losing my sanity.  Please cross-post my thanks to those who you shared this with.  I have tried to personally respond to each message I receive, but I can't keep up because there are so many.  I LOVE YOU ALL AND YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL THING.  This is what it means when they say "IT TAKES A VILLAGE."  What a wonderful global village I live in!

I am completely overwhelmed at the support and help I'm getting in the search for Tiffany. I have seen TONS of cross-postings of my appeal and I can't thank you all enough!  This is what lets me know that people ARE good and kind overall and what makes our world wonderful.

UPDATE:  I received a call from the Detective on her case.  She was very caring and spent considerable time talking to me.  She thinks that Tiffany will merit inclusion on the National Missing and Exploited List.  She also thinks they may be able to track her by her cell phone.  She clearly wants to help us and that is so encouraging. 

I'll let you know if I hear anything at all.  Thanks for buoying up my spirits as I continue to help my most deserving but hurt child.  I truly love you all!

She ran away again on Saturday night.  But this time she hasn't come back.  The last "issue" I had with her was that she had left the house with some older man she met on myspace.  I don't know if that's who she ran away with or what. 

Haven't updated you on my life in a while. So here goes:

( TIFFANY )

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today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/18424824#27971282

Here's the link to Tiffany's story aired on Thanksgiving Day.

Well, the word from the producer today is that our story will air at 8:44 am tomorrow on the Today Show. If you know anyone interested in adoption, tell them to watch! I haven't seen it either, so I hope it's good!

www.americancivicliteracy.org/resources/quiz.aspx


You answered 21 out of 33 correctly — 63.64 %

I should be ashamed, but that's actually better than I expected.

Thoroughly enjoyed the weekend. Friday night I picked up Tiff and we went to the Raleigh Christmas Parade on Saturday morning. It was COLD!! but fun. I love parades and always will. We had hotdogs at Snoopy's and then I had to take her back to the farm to work. She is still doing very well and I'm so grateful! Joshua and I had dinner together at home then went to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. It was amazing! And very inspirational. They told a lovely story in the first half about the real meaning of Christmas. The light show was unbelievable and they are quite the performers! Here's one from youtube for those of you who were unable to make it:



On Sunday I went to lunch with my Italian friend at Olive Garden. It was very nice to get a chance to get to know each other better. The rest of the day was spent at home resting and hanging out with Joshua. I only have to work today and tomorrow. Tomorrow night I'm meeting John the fireman for dinner. It will be our first face to face meeting. Wednesday night I'm going to see Chicago with Charlotte, Kat and Marianna!

Hope you all have a great week!!

I get off work today at 5:30, then I'm going to get Tiffany. Joshua works until 9:00 and so far he seems to be enjoying his job. He really likes the people he works with and that really makes the difference. Tomorrow morning, Tiff and I are going to the Raleigh Christmas Parade. Joshua decided he doesn't want to walk a mile and then sit in the freezing cold for several hours. But hey, it's the Christmas Parade, dude! I love parades! So we'll have mom and daughter time in the morning. Then I have to take Tiff back to the farm by lunchtime, since she has to work. In the evening, Joshua and I are going to the TSO concert. I'm so excited! Sunday I have a lunch date with my Italian friend John. Oh, yeah, and I have a date with my Firefighter friend John on Tuesday night. So far he has REALLY impressed me the most of the guys I've been talking with, so it will be interesting to see if I still feel that way after I meet him in person. I'm off on Wednesday to get ready for Turkey Day. I'm planning to cook for me and the kids, even though they are both probably going to be working that day. Joshua's Dad and his wife may also come for dinner that night. Kat and her mom are dropping by later for dessert! Yay! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

I had joined a group on here called "non-ugly fats." I thought they were one of those groups trying to teach people to revise their idea of beauty. They have an "application" process where you post some pics. I received all NOs and wrote to them to ask what's the deal. They explained to me that they are "a rating community" and I wrote back the following:

"Well, that was enlightening. I thought the whole "application" process was for fun and to uplift each other as "non-ugly fats." Clearly I have misunderstood the purpose and substance of this group. I wish you all the best as you learn to value (hopefully) who you are and see the true beauty that is in all of us as human beings."

I received back the most ridiculous and immature responses such as "please leave the internet" and other even more immature statements. I think that is very sad. Most of the users on there appear to be in their early teens and 20s. My son (the 18-year-old) has often said to me that he is ashamed of his generation because of their values and ideals. I thought he was just being "emo" but when this kind of thing happens, I have to agree that there is a large contingent out there who are pretty shallow and misled. Thank God I also have many friends in this age group who are wonderful, enlightened, MATURE people or I would be terrified of the future.

My "daily Buddhist wisdom" that comes in the email was the following:

If we live our lives continually motivated by anger and hatred, even our physical health deteriorates.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I think I'll post that on their website and then be done with it.

  Wishing the happiest of birthdays to </a></b></a>heryngmongere , </a></b></a>ladyaneira and </a></b></a>silverstah !  Hope you all have a wonderful day!!

I had the best time last night at a Girls' Night Out Potluck hosted by the lovely and talented (with absolutely NO bitch side) francesca_la !  Emerson was the bestest co-host and gave lots of snuggly kisses.  Puppy love is the best!  It was so great to get out and be with such interesting and fun women.  I went with my most faithful peeps - fiberferret  and kat_romanish .  They are the best friends to me.  They've been there for me so much to help with my daughter Tiffany and keep me from isolating myself when I needed to reach out for support. Not to mention helping me sewing and garb!  Thanks, guys.  (By the way, Kat - I KNOW you're one of my kids now.  You left your Reese's cup trash in my back seat last night!)  I thoroughly enjoyed mstra_margarita  who shared her lovely treasures from Italy and some amazing books!  I'm so jealous of your trip, but even more determined now to get there.  Thanks also for sharing your wisdom and insight about other things I won't post about here.  Bambi was there and made an awesome frittatta - yep, had two helpings.  Bambi is truly one of the most interesting and beautiful people I've ever met and I'm so honored to call her my friend.  (When are you going to hurry up and clone Tony for me?)  I recently had the pleasure of meeting luciab  at Crown Tourney and really enjoyed getting to know her better last night.  She is smart and funny and just a super neat person!  (I didn't know she was once our Baroness!)  chandler2  was there and it's so good to see you out so much!  I have a love-hate thing for you, you know.  I LOVE you for all that you are and do, but I HATE you because my hair won't grow as long as yours.  (Not fair...)  broderesse  made this awesome lentil dish that I adored.  Can I have the recipe?  Everyone brought great food - I picked up a pizza last minute, since I came straight from work, but it actually tasted pretty good.  Great food -great women!  What a lovely evening.  One question, though - will you still love me when I lose my teeth?  

PS - State office sucks - there is NO heat in this office.