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Jun. 16th, 2008


Trying Not To Check Out of Life

Let me preface by saying that I hate whiners. I have no tolerance for those that have rough lives and lay down and die because "life is just too hard." So I have never been one to be comfortable with being sad (even if it's justified) or blaming physical illness on issues, etc.

That being said, I am in the process of losing my mind pretty much. I have had some recent issues with my daughter that were (I thought) pretty much driving me crazy. I mean, really. I usually handle all issues (big and small) with aplomb, with the cheerful "this too shall pass", with prayer, or whatever. And keep going. But last week that just didn't happen. I didn't handle things well - I didn't handle them at all. I COULDN'T. I was feeling everything from extreme fatigue, to panic, to all kinds of crazy physical symptoms, to crying, to fear... just nuts. So I went to the doctor who is treating me for... depression? Anxiety? Heart stuff? Still don't know. Maybe I AM crazy and I just don't know it.

I so want to be a part of things like I normally do, but then I find myself panicking at the thought of being around other people. Last week I was out of work all week. Not like me at all. I went to Buckston meeting because I was supposed to teach, but it was awful. I had promised to go to the Baronial workday, but didn't. Pippa called me and I had turned my phone off (I'm so sorry, Pippa) but it's so embarassing to try to explain. I was invited to Francesca's for the movie on Sunday. I so wanted to go, but I just couldn't. I am at work today but I feel so dizzy and like I can't breathe. But I'm getting by, so that's good. The kids are being great and very supportive.

Anyway, until further notice I'm going to check out of life because I want to know what's going on, because I can't stand letting people down that I've promised to do things for, and I can't tell from one minute to the next what I'm going to feel like doing. Don't know if I'll be at Oranges on Saturday. I really hope so. I go back to the doc on Thursday. Please bear with me, friends, and don't be angry. I really don't know what's going on.