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Hope This Makes Sense...

I'm about as exhausted as anyone can be.  I don't have the strength for all the details, but I'll "sum up."  Tiffany showed up again last night, completely defiant and not at all remorseful.  I told her that her puppy had found a new home because she left him alone and was not taking care of him.  She called the police to report me for theft (sheesh).  Of course, the officer told her that I'm her mother and have the right to consequence her as I see fit.  Before he arrived, she hit me across the chest.  He didn't see that so he couldn't arrest her.  I called her therapist who told the officer that she needed to be taken to the hospital.  He didn't want to do that because "I'm not seeing anything dangerous in her."  OH MY GOD THE RIDICULOUS SYSTEM WE HAVE.  She raged and yelled, told him she didn't need medication and that she "lost it."  So at least that confirmed what I believed all along - that she was off  her medication.  The MH supporter called and talked to the officer again and told him that yes, he can take her to the hospital because her therapist is recommending hospitalization and it would be dangerous for her mother to try to take her because she'd probably jump out of the car, run away, assault her mom, pick one.   He finally said he would take her if she agreed.  I told him he needed to say, "You either need to ride with me or your mom because your therapist wants you to talk to someone."  Otherwise I knew she would refuse if he said something like, "You have to go in the hospital and your mom is going to take you."  After sitting at the assessment center until 2:30 AM, they finally agreed that she needed to be committed.  At 3:30, while waiting for a bed to open up at Holly Hill, I went to the back to see her.  She was still crying and raging about the "f-ing doctor."  She let me hug her, but quickly became angry when she wanted me to "talk them out of it."  I told them it wouldn't matter if I did, but that I wouldn't do that because she needed help.  After 30 minutes, I gave up and left.  I had to take Joshua to work at 8:30 so I only slept a couple of hours.  I guess this is going to be my life for awhile....

Oh, and to top it all off, my ex-husband decided to see what livejournal was all about.  He read all my entries, then picked yesterday to take terminal offense at the journal entry about the time he used my credit card for gambling when I was under the influence of Ambien.  I told him to f*^K off.  I sure as hell don't need his bullspit right now.  Joshua also had a meltdown this morning. I didn't need that either, but he apologized and if anyone deserves a little venting, he does.  He has patiently sat by and watched me go through hell with Tiffany and hasn't said a thing to her.  That has to be hard.

But for god's sake, I really just need a break, you know? 

Setbacks and Affirmations

Haven't updated you on my life in a while. So here goes:

TIFFANYCollapse )

Nice Weekend in the Rose Garden...

Things are going pretty good.  Tiffany runs hot and cold (of course) but overall is doing very well.  Divine intervention really came into play on Friday.  I am on a social meeting website called  I have met some nice friends there, but it's like every other networking site - you have to be CAREFUL.  Full of scammers, imposters, etc.  Anyway, if someone in your area joins, they send you a link to the new member's profile.  So I get this email on Friday from a new member - AH, age 20, and with my daughter's photo.  Yep, she put her a fake profile on there.  I called her immediately and said, "So, AH, I didn't know you had a birthday."  She about died.  Could not BELIEVE that once again she had done something and I found out.  When is she going to learn?  Claimed she didn't put a fake name and that she was "just looking."  I again warned her about this kind of dangerous behavior and told her that if I find out about any more reckless behaviors, then she'll have to come back home.  Even though she is "lliving on her own", she is still a minor and I am responsible for her safety.  If she cannot keep herself safe, then I'll have to.  She said, "If I come home, we'll just argue all the time and it will be terrible!"  Yep, it will probably be like that - but I'm sitll the mom, little girl, so don't f*%$ with me.  I reminded her about all the dangers of Internet networking.  "I know MOM, I WON'T give out any info, I UNDERSTAND, I'm JUST LOOKING...Anyway, I checked the next day and she did not remove the profile.  SO I created a dummy profile of a 28 year old man and sent her a message.  She immediately responded and GAVE HIM HER PHONE NUMBER.   I've sent a follow-up email to see if she'll give out her address.  I then plan to print it all out and confront her.  I don't know what else to do when she insists on lying about her behavior.  Any thoughts from you guys?

Other than that, the weekend was really nice.  I finally got my house REALLY clean again.  Tiff came home on Saturday night and stayed through Sunday evening.  I didn't discuss the web issue anymore and we had a very nice time together.  She had a new "boyfriend" aged 16 that she met at the ranch come over.   She didn't like him, though, and hinted to me to say something so he'd have to leave.  She said he was "moving too quick" and "already talking about marriage."  Go figure - that's usually her role.  But I told her I was proud of her for thinking that way.  She seemed really glad to get home last night, but then called me this morning and said she might want to come home.  I struggle with how to deal with that.  I don't want to make her think she's not wanted at home, but I just don't want her to make a decision she'll regret.  This job is so what she has wanted and most days she LOVES IT.   I told her it makes sense that she would be homesick after spending most of the weekend at home and just to think long and hard before she makes any decisions - BUT THAT I LOVE HER AND SHE CAN ALWAYS COME HOME if that is what she really wants.  

Joshua is doing well.  He worked full-time at Rite-Aid and seems to be enjoying the job overall.  It's been hard on him physically because of his weight, but I'm proud of him for not wimping out.  I am trying to encourage him to eat and drink more healthy.  He would probably lose weight pretty fast if he'd just change his eating habits some, since he's getting more movement just by working.  We are going to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert on Saturday and he's real excited.  He and I share a love for all things musical and dramatic.

Jared is .... well, he's 21 and he's NOT doing a good job of managing his money.  He called again this weekend wanting money.   I keep telling him no because I don't have it, but his Dad feels sorry for him and keeps wanting to bail him out.   That is not going to be an option any more, because Daryll doesn't work and his wife's commissions were cut by $20,000 a year last week.  So I told Jared not to call his father any more asking for money AND that he'd HAVE to start disciplining his spending.  Period.  The times they are a-changing....

Kind of tired today - couldn't sleep last night.  Too much coffee yesterday, methinks.  Joshua is off today and will have supper ready when I get home.  I'm so glad I taught those kids to cook!!


Nest is Getting Emptier... and that's OK!

My 18 year old got a job today!!!!  No, he's not moving out any time soon, but he's going to be learning to pay bills by paying rent!  Three kids - three jobs.  Yep, feeling pretty good.  And my 18 year old voted today for the first time! 


From the Rose Garden

I haven't posted in quite a while so thought I'd share an update. I'm going to make them into cuts because there's a lot to tell! 

Update on My Soldier Boy!Collapse )Update on my Big Teddy Bear...Collapse )My Baby is a Real Cowgirl Now!Collapse )

Just Can't Relax Yet

Had a very pleasant night last night with Kat and Marianna. Kat made delicious stew and biscuits and we sat and watched Bones. I have not been out with anyone else in weeks, so it was nice. Tiff was moody, but I think it was because we had an appt with the community support people right before we went over. She had to talk about what got her to this point again, and I know that always brings her down. But this morning she seemed fine when I took her to the horse farm. She is going back over to Kat and Marianna's while I go to my NAMI meeting tonight. She was excited because Marianna is going to do a henna tattoo for her.

Then about 2:00 I got a call from the ex-boyfriend. "She's calling me again." I knew she called him Saturday, but she admitted it and we talked it through and it was no big deal. But he said she has called him several times today from an "unknown" number (she has no cell phone anymore, so I guess she borrowed one) and was talking trash, said she was pregnant again, blah, blah, blah... I told him, "Look, I appreciate you calling me, but I already told you what you need to do. Either just hang up when she calls or call the police and make a report for harassment. I can't help you with this." I called Tiff's therapist and we're going to talk to her about it in the session tomorrow. I just can't understand this. What is going on in her brain? (Or not going on, as the case may be)

This is what is so exhausting about living with someone with a. Bi-Polar, b. someone with a traumatic past and no self-esteem, c. living with a teenager and/or d. all of the above.

I need my Clonopin. Now.


Doing Better!

I've been afraid to write - don't want to jinx it! But things seem to be stabilizing. No incidents since September 22 when we wound up back at the hospital and Tiff went to temporary respite. I still saw her everyday and took her to the horse farm, she just stayed at the respite home at nights which gave me the break I needed. She came home last Monday (Sep 29) and we have been doing really well since then. She seems to be learning when a mood is coming on and I'm learning not to overreact and help her talk through it. She is still going to the horse farm and loves it and I think it's a GREAT thing for her. It continues to be a volunteer position, but I'm going to talk to them about at least maybe giving her gas money for all the work she does. She's been working from 7:00 am until 6:00 pm almost every day - leading trail rides, saddling and unsaddling horses, grooming, washing, feeding, and also giving lessons! I'm amazed at how much she knows! They are really getting a bargain with her. They want to hire her for the summer, but I wish they'd do it now. I don't know if I'll be able to afford taking her everyday with gas prices the way they are. It's all the way at the other end of Leesville Road and I work in downtown Raleigh, so that's quite a trip twice a day.

I saw my doctor this week and she changed my Prozac to Effexor which helps with depression AND anxiety, which I think is more my problem anyway. I have gained about 14 pounds in the last two months, so that's pretty depressing. I still feel really tired, but the doc told me to start taking iron again so that should help.

Joshua is staying at his Dad's this month. He got his permit and he's really been nervous about driving; but his Dad lives in a rural area, so I told him he can't come home until he gets his license! (Just kidding - but I think he should be able to overcome his fears out there; at least I hope so! The boy needs to get a job! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm finding it harder and harder to make ends meet each month.)

I finally let go and told Jared that he has to be responsible for paying his own bills. I've had access to his bank account and just went in there each pay day and did it for him, but I just have too much on my plate. Plus, the boy (man) is 21 and it's time. Talked to him for about 30 minutes over the weekend and he sounded good. He was excited about learning how to blow up doors with some kind of something.... I really don't want to know, but he was excited.

Hope to be able to sneak over to WOW for even just a few hours on Saturday if Tiff goes to the farm and I have the gas. It would be nice to see all my friends.


Back in the Saddle Again...

First of all, let me say a very heartfelt THANK YOU to my many LJ friends who consistently read my journal and offer such wonderful words of advice and support. I have said before that because of my own issues with "failure is not an option" I often have a hard time opening up to others when things are tough. Ever since I've joined LJ, I am learning slowly to trust people and be able to share my thoughts and feelings more honestly and openly. It has also helped me learn to reach out in person to those of you who are closer geographically to me. That is huge growth on my part. It has also been a VERY BIG part of the support I have needed to continue with this journey to help a very special child who deserved another chance at family life. I hope you know that you bring a new dimension to the "it takes a village to raise a child" mentality and are truly a part of helping us be successful.

That said, I wanted to let you know that yesterday I got through my Federal Review at the office with flying colors. I was able to contact Tiffany's therapist and met with her for an hour yesterday afternoon. SHE IS AWESOME and really helped me put a lot of my own feelings in perspective as well as making me feel OK for HAVING those feelings. The biggest concerns for me about what happened Monday night are that Tiffany threatened to kill me (several times) and she also threatened false sexual abuse allegations against my ex-husband. I have dealt with those on a number of occasions when I was doing CPS and no matter how good the investigator is or how understanding, that is a devastating process to go through for anyone. My son is 18 and I fear that she may do the same thing to him so now I have the added stress of trying to be sure the two of them are not alone at the house , which is virtually impossible. So the therapist is going to do a family meeting with me, Tiffany, my son Joshua and Joshua's father Daryll (my ex) tonight. The topic of the meeting will basically be to discuss that the situation that happened the other night was not safe - for anyone - and what we can do to change that. Tiffany has to understand that her actions are dangerous physically for herself, emotionally for everyone else involved, and could be even more catastrophic when she makes statements like that. She also agreed that therapeutic placement (temporary) may be needed and we discussed options for that and how we would help Tiffany not see that as abandonment, but just an opportunity to continue to work on our family relationships in a way that keeps everyone safe.

When I got home last night, Tiffany was still in pissed-off mode and said nothing to me when I came in. That was probably because my son disconnected the modem so we now have no landline phone at the house and she can't make phone calls at all. Joshua and I have cell phones. The only thing I said to her was that if she wanted to go to the horse farm tomorrow to be ready when I leave for work. I told her I met with the therapist and we were having a family meeting Wednesday night and that we would discuss what happened at that meeting. I told her I was going to eat dinner and go straight to bed and did not want to be disturbed. She said, "Whatever" and flounced off and didn't try to talk to me anymore that night. I went to bed but didn't sleep well (go figure) but it was better than 2 hours sleep the night before.

Today I dropped Tiffany off at the horse farm. We didn't talk in the car but she didn't seem tense and said goodbye. When I got to work, I found out I have a second interview for the promotion TOMORROW. I have to prepare a 30 minute presentation on new policy. Normally I would be very confident and excited - but I'm just too tired. At this point, I'm just going to do my best. If it's meant to be, I'll impress them. If not, oh well, there will be something better down the road.

Hope everyone else is doing great. Thanks again for all the support. I normally respond individually to each of you, as I feel if you took the time to write to me, I owe it to you to respond back. However, in light of the interview, etc., I hope you'll forgive me for doing the blanket thank you.


Tired, Sad, and Maybe Defeated

It's 3:30 am. Just got home from the ER. Tiffany almost broke her hand smashing doors and things. Said terrible things tonight. I just don't know if I can deal with the things that were said tonight. Things that may cause innocent people to have to go through an investigation. She just doesn't want to be here. Maybe she would be better off somewhere else. And my poor son is so angry. He never says anything, even when she is spewing evil things at me. But I think tonight was the straw that broke the camels back. And in 4 hours I have to be at work to participate in a Federal Review process. Quite an honor for me and a time when I need to be at the top of my game. So now it's REALLY starting to affect my work, too. I don't know what to do anymore. When is enough,enough? When do I just give up? Do I let this destroy my family? My career? My health? Either way, it is destroying my heart...


From the Rose Garden

Last night was fun. Kat and Marianna came over for dinner and we vegged and watched Bones together. I've never watched that show before. It had "The Dog Whisperer" on it because it was about dog fighting. People like that should be shot - slowly - from the knees up. Sorry, but mean people suck. Tiffany did OK last night. No problems.

Today I took her to her psychiatrist. Got sad news that I have suspected all along. She said that Tiffany DOES have Borderline Personality Disorder. That can be worse than Bi-Polar Disorder (which she also has) because it is so hard to treat and the prognosis is usually very poor. It certainly explains the manipulation, lack of taking responsibility, lying and TOTAL lack of insight at times. Tonight I'm going to the NAMI Family to Family Meeting. Hope Tiff is OK with just her brother there.

Had a job interview for a promotion. I think I did great, but I always get beat out by someone with a Masters, even if they have way less experience than me - so not very hopeful.

Still VERY tired. Going to my doctor next week. I think I need them to check my blood again.

But I'm still optimistic about my life - always - after all, I have so many wonderful friends that I love and who love me!